Unwillingness to obey equal to Disobedience?
Two days ago I found myself with nothing to do, no work pending, no urgent things to deal with and I thought of asking Him what He wanted me to do for that day.
In the past I’ve had bad experiences when asking Him certain things. I have to grow out of a certain lack of ability to hear Him – or something of the like. I feel that if I was to hear him clearly, I would obey – but sometimes I’ve felt I hear Him tell me to do certain things that I honestly don’t want to do. For example, I’m fixing myself a delicious sandwich, and I feel as if He said: Fast. I’m about to brush my teeth (I’m not kidding, this happened once) and I feel as if He said: Don’t brush your teeth.
These kind of ideas make me reason that the information flowing might not be exclusively His – maybe I’m imagining His voice or the enemy is interfering. What puzzles me is the fact that this “channel” of communication is the one where I hear from Him – things that are good, things that are true, things or events He warns me about which happen – for example, when my dad had a health problem, I felt Him say my dad was going to be all right and he is – when an aunt had a health problem, I felt Him say she was not going to make it, and she didn’t. Some other things I believe I’ve heard don’t happen, or are not good…
So when I prayed “God, what would you like me to do today?” I was taking a risk – what if He asks me to do something I don’t want to do? – Thank God! What I felt Him say is that He wanted me to pray… and I thought: “Ok, I’ll pray for 3 hours…” but I felt Him say: “30 minutes”.
So I did — ish… at the end of the day, I dozed off at some point, woke up prayed a bit more and tried to fill the 30 minutes I felt He requested.
Today I am kind of free as well… but I’m not feeling as bold as two days ago. What if I feel He asks me to do something I don’t want to do… like fast, or pray 5 hours, or read a certain amount of scripture, or call such and such…
So He already knows this – so I approach Him in prayer and I tell Him that I feel this way and this thought comes to mind: Is unwillingness to obey the same as disobedience?
If I ask Him and I feel Him say something, and I don’t obey I make myself disobedient – so I rather not ask, so I’m not guilty of disobedience.
This reasoning lead me to another thought, which is: What if the things I’ve been asking (regarding ministry, anointing, and what-not) require certain willingness in my heart – and He sees that unwillingness to obey – so He protects me from my own “nature” by not opening those doors or allowing those things, because He knows there is unwillingness that might turn into disobedience, which would turn into greater condemnation or guilt when judged?
Maybe – right?
So then I pray: Father, fill my heart with the willingness to obey You, for reasonings so I accept whatever I hear You say and yield, and for ears that hear You and only You, that no confusion may enter, or discernment to know which thoughts come from You and which ones don’t.
My main reason for writing this is for me to have a place where I can keep record of these thoughts – I need to fill my heart with willingness to obey, so whatever He requests, I obey and follow.